Mullet, I Hardly Knew Thee

Mullet, I Hardly Knew Thee

When I initially started this blog, I envisioned writing something new at least on a weekly basis. What I didn’t expect was to go from August to November and post exactly nothing, especially about the mullet. Yikes.

There is no question I’ve always been a selectively lazy person, but throw in the energy required to take care of two small children all day, getting sick on a weekly basis for unknown reasons, and dealing with depression, it’s been a bit rough. Also somewhat conflicting, because all I really want to do is joke around, but often I’m in a mood that makes it very difficult to express it.

(Insert Funny Mullet Pun Here)

When I thought about growing my hair into a mullet, I wanted to post regular updated pictures because I thought it’d be funny to see it getting longer each week or month, but obviously that didn’t happen. Instead, I hope you enjoy this incredibly ridiculous collection of pictures taken by a wonderful photographer, as a send-off to the mullet. My hair bothered me more than I anticipated, so it had to go. Also, I’m quite certain I was scaring off other human beings, young and old. But before we cut it, I couldn’t not treat my mullet to a series of provocative pieces of digital art, so we can all remember it fondly.

We took a lot of pictures, and rather than bog down one post with an insane amount of pictures loading, I’m splitting them up into separate posts. This is just a taste. You know those awful, junk, click-bait ads on basically any website you visit? I have a feeling I’m gonna see myself on one of those eventually with a headline “Do You Know Your Neighbors?”

 

 

Mullet, I Hardly Knew Thee
Body definition of this caliber should be against the law

 

Mullet, I Hardly Knew Thee
I am wearing underwear, so if you ever visit, feel free to sit in this chair

 

Mullet, I Hardly Knew Thee
Expecting a cease and desist from Alabama any minute now…
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Breastfeeding In Public. You Don’t Like It? Then Keep Moving.

Breastfeeding In Public. You Don't Like It? Then Keep Moving.

I couldn’t tell you how much breastfeeding is discussed across the country, mainly because I don’t Google search “breastfeeding.” I may feel somewhat comfortable discussing it, but not Googling it. But I swear I come across a ridiculous story every month or so with someone’s experience. And it’s painfully clear negative feelings exist when it comes to breastfeeding in public, and I can’t wrap my head around it. Three reasons I think it’s coocoo for Cocoa Puffs:

OneHalf the Population: Roughly 7 billion on this planet, which means half of that has breasts. I would sincerely hope most of that faction would be supportive (although I’m under the impression that’s not always the case), or at least silent.

TwoBoobies: The other half, men, are obsessed with breasts, straight men at least. So there would again be hope that this faction would have no problem at all. And for the men who aren’t straight, am I wrong in assuming they could give a shit whether a woman pulled out a boobie? In my time on this earth, I can’t recall any gay men or women disapproving.

ThreeBabies: Who doesn’t like babies? And I don’t mean who wouldn’t WANT babies, because a lot of people don’t want kids. I mean, who has a problem with children existing? No one. Babies are adorable. And everyone started as a baby.

I know this is an oversimplification, but honestly, what is the problem? I remember seeing a video that was so bizarre; this old, white man’s reaction to seeing a woman breastfeeding inside a Target food court area (why does everything seem to happen at Target?). He called it “disgusting.” He used that word. Why? Did that baby do something to him? Did those specific breasts reject him? Was he jealous? I know that last question is silly, but really, is there some underlying hatred involving jealousy? Again, how is it disgusting? He buys milk at the store, does that make him disgusting? Frankly, one could make an argument drinking milk in public that came from a cow is nastier; who knows what was put into the cow that produced the milk itself. But (almost) nobody would say you were disgusting for drinking milk.

I THINK IT’S GROSS THAT YOU THINK IT’S GROSS

Breastfeeding is not a sexual act, not even close. It’s literally eating. And if eating is offensive, I’m quite certain I’ve seen people eating in a way that was WAY more disgusting. And if your argument is breasts shouldn’t be shown in public, then we’ll need to implement a lot more changes in what’s considered inappropriate. Because I’ve seen some nasty ass feet and toes being exposed by sandals and flip flops that have made my stomach turn. So let’s require socks and shoes on everyone. Some people don’t shower or brush their teeth before they go in public, and for some reason before they sit on an airplane for 4+ hours. So let’s require daily showers, and you have to provide proof if confronted regarding your foul funk. Shoot, if you live in a state like Florida, there are a lot of dudes walking around without shirts. And just be honest with yourself, they have way nastier nipples. I don’t want to see that shit.

EYE DON’T KNOW YOU, GO AWAY

We also have these wonderful things called eyes, and your head doesn’t force them to look directly at anything, ever. You can make them look up, or even down. Sideways is a good option, some people are really good at that. Heck, you can even use those face curtains called eyelids.

LET’S BACK UP THOSE WHO NEED TO USE THEIR FRONT

A photographer in Tennessee did a photo shoot called Latched With Love. We need more positive exposure like this. We need more videos of people defending someone being harassed in public. I’ve never seen it in person, but I’d like to think I’d get in someone’s face who dared try to bully a mom of a hungry infant. Part of this photo shoot had the moms hold a white board with a question/comment written they typically hear when breastfeeding in public. These would be my responses:

Can You Go To The Bathroom? Sure, let me expose my child to your literal shit particles while they try to eat. Next time you go to a restaurant, just take your plate into the public bathroom and see how long you last. &%$*ing idiot.

Isn’t He Too Big? Well I suppose he/she is eating pretty well. But by all means, please tell her how big her child should be to do anything? I’m all ears, expert. In fact, she’s in the market for a new pediatrician, and it sounds like you know what you’re talking about, random asshole.

You Should Stop, She Has Teeth. The fact you’re thinking about the safety of her nipples makes me think a call to the police should follow soon after. Stop thinking about her nipples.

Are You Serious? No, this is an elaborate joke just to make you laugh. Apparently it’s not working, but it is humorous to me.

It’s Easier To Give Him a Bottle. No it’s not. You have to wash the bottle, dry the bottle, warm up the milk/formula, make sure it’s not too hot or too cold, because he/she will either burn their mouth or not eat, they’ll also take in more air which causes gas and fussiness. Or, she could whip this titty out and get to work.

You Should Use a Blanket. Sure, let her put something in her child’s mouth and then cover his/her nose so all air is blocked. Yeah, smothering her child makes so much sense.

You’re Still Nursing? You’re still talking? Shoo fly, don’t bother me. For I belong to somebody.

A big Hat Tip to any woman who’s had to deal with this, and kept themselves from murdering an idiot in public. And to women in general, because honestly, what’s next, eating in public? Breathing in public? Exist in public? Hopefully common sense will eventually prevail.

Who Made This Kid’s Map?

Who Made This Kid's Map?

This is a map of the United States, which tells you the capitals when you place the puzzle piece over the state. Pretty standard stuff. BUT I HAVE SOME GRIEVANCES I NEED TO AIR, AND YOU’RE GONNA HEAR THEM!

1. The most important is a two-parter: first of all, Alabama should have a football, not Ohio. A picture of cotton is bullshit and borderline racist. I know cotton exists, and it has a history, but maybe not on a state in the South for a children’s map. Also, Ohio? The Browns suck. And Ohio State can kick rocks. Nobody thinks of Ohio when they think of football. (Googles where the NFL Hall of Fame is located). Well shit. I still stand by my statement. Ohio would never come to mind when asked about football. (Googles Who Invented Football) A GUY FROM NEW JERSEY. You hear that? Vindication.

2. Apparently I know nothing about Arkansas, because a diamond made no sense to me. Looks like diamond mines exist here. Who knew? My mind obviously goes to college football for pretty much everything, so a pig/hog would have been my choice. What’s sad is I have family there that I’ve known my whole life and are awesome, and I’ve physically been there. One positive of my kids starting school soon is I might actually re-learn many things my mind has neglected to remember over the years.

3. And who has a pig? Iowa. Why-oa? (sorry) I always pictured corn for Iowa, not sure why. I’ve only driven through this state, and it was absolutely boring. And why is corn on Illinois? United States Census has corn at #17 in exports. Hey, look at that, I’m learning more as I go. What is #12? It says “DUMPERS DESIGNED FOR OFF-HIGHWAY USE.” HA!!!!!!!!! Dumpers are dump trucks, but I don’t care what it means, I’ll always remember Illinois for huge dumpers now. That and police corruption.

4. It’s weird Oregon is a fish. I thought it’d be a sign that says “We wish people loved us as much as Washington.” I lived there and did not like it, and obviously I’m still bitter. That place can go straight to hell. Except their waterfalls; they’re really nice.

5. Poor Wyoming. It’s a damn deer. An animal that lives in every freaking state in this country. Why not a human being? Or air? Maybe a McDonald’s logo?

6. And poor Kansas. Wheat? How delightfully boring. Should’ve at least been a basketball. James Naismith went to the University of Kansas shortly after inventing the game, so maybe let’s give them something more fun that damn wheat.

7. When you think of Texas, what do you think of? Out of all available options, they went with boots and roadkill. Maybe there is some justice in this world.

8. I thought Virginia was for lovers, but they went with tobacco. A big win for lung cancer.

9. They chose oranges for Florida, which is much better than their original choices: meth, dumpster fires and alligator farms. Good for them.

10. I think we all know, and are fond of, the saying “girl, you fine as a Georgia peanut.”

11. Be honest. When you think of Nevada, gambling and prostitution would be way ahead of lizards.

12. Wheat is way too exciting when describing Montana. I fell asleep in the middle of writing this sentence.

13. There are 12,000+ lakes in Minnesota. Are there 12,000+ eagles? I didn’t think so. GARBAGE. If anything, it should be a mosquito, not an eagle.

14. They put a cow for Oklahoma. HAHAHAHAHA. That’s the most unique thing that came to mind for Oklahoma. (Although they do have a chain of gas stations with roughly 549 Slurpee options, so I can’t hate too hard.)

15. For outsiders, skiing to describe Utah isn’t bad. But for people there, I’m sure it’d be #1 Mormons, #2 smog, then maybe #3 mountains/skiing. And #4 judgment.

16. Not sure I have anything interesting to say about the northeast. That’s one area I haven’t visited or driven through. It’s somewhat funny it’s just flowers and crustaceans, but maybe that’s dead-on, I don’t know.

17. WELCOME TO ARIZONA! WE HAVE ALL THE SHITTIEST, HARMFUL PLANTS IN THE DESERT YOU WANT! AND ODDLY ENOUGH, CONFEDERATE MONUMENTS. WHO COULD FORGET OUR INVOLVEMENT IN THE CIVIL WAR FOR THE LOSING SIDE?

Well, that’s all I got. Thank you for reading. If you have something to add about a state, I’d love to hear it. But just note only I’m allowed to talk shit about Alabama and Mississippi (if you’re from there, you can too; we’ve earned it).

What Father’s Day Is To Me

For a long time I’ve had this urge to write about being a father, and what it was like growing up without one. I don’t know why, and I doubt anything I say is incredibly insightful or particularly interesting, but I’m doing it nonetheless. Staying at home with the kids hasn’t changed my outlook on being a father; it’s just a different experience, a great one at that. And with Father’s Day this weekend, what better time to share. Continue reading “What Father’s Day Is To Me”

Do Not Ignore Your Physical or Mental Health

I’ve gone back and forth whether to write about this, for a slew of reasons. But ultimately I felt it was important. I couldn’t say exactly how long this has been an issue, but eventually I noticed it was happening more and more often. I would consider my depression to be relatively mild. It’s not an everyday thing, which I’m thankful for. Part of me feels really guilty even discussing this because I know people have severe forms of depression, and have gone through hard times. But I finally talked to a doctor about it because 1) I felt like it could potentially get worse if I didn’t do something about it, and 2) the fact I have nothing to be “depressed” about made me think it could be some sort of imbalance. And I’m not exaggerating, literally everything in my life, outside my overall health (I’ll briefly touch on this later), has improved over the years. Jessika couldn’t be a better wife, Reece and Libby are perfect, my family is awesome.

The feeling is very clear once it sets in, and it’s not an immediate change for me. Usually I’ll be in a good mood before I notice it. And then it slowly sinks in and I haven’t found much that changes it except time. Typically the next morning I’ll feel back to normal. I don’t have any idea how other people “feel” their depression. The best way I can describe it is this: you know that feeling when you have to sneeze, and you’re waiting for it to happen, but you don’t? Kind of a purgatory of senses. Not that specific feeling obviously, but I’ll feel down and not know why, and I’m on the verge of tears but never cry. Honestly, it feels like if I actually did cry that it’d help, like finally letting it all out and moving on. But that never happens for me. So it drags on like that until it goes away. I especially hate feeling like that around my kids. If it were just me, I think I could easily write it off, because let’s face it, guys will ignore anything outside of a limb falling off completely before we do something about it. But I find it hard to interact with them when I feel that way, and I hate it. Given that I now stay at home with them, you can probably see why I’d like to avoid this.

I decided to try medication. For me, not a hard decision. It’s not something that alters my mindset and it’s not addictive. And if I felt it wasn’t helping, I could look at other options. So far I think it’s helped. I still have moments, but overall each week tends to be better than the last, and that’s what I wanted to see.

I mentioned my overall health before; I also talked to my doctor about sleep issues, because I haven’t slept through the night in probably 11-12 years. And poor Jessika has somehow lived through my horrific snoring. She thought I might have sleep apnea, so naturally I wanted to see someone about it. Originally my sleep study was scheduled for August (this was scheduled in November, so yes, 9 months after I thought I may not be breathing well at night), but I got lucky and an opening was available earlier this month. Turns out I have sleep apnea, but not what they consider serious, so I’ll be trying different things to improve my sleep. I suppose it’s good I don’t have to use a CPAP machine, but I was hoping to have an immediate fix to the problem.

I’ve also had some digestive issues for quite a long time, for which I thought was related to stress, but after leaving my job it only got worse. I had heard about probiotics but wasn’t entirely sure what they did. One day I just decided to start taking one, and can you believe I haven’t had an issue since. It almost makes me angry that I could’ve been taking it longer. I don’t know if I’d promote a specific brand, but if you have stomach issues, it’s an inexpensive thing to try (relatively; I spend $20 for 100 days worth, but there are a lot of different brands).

I mention the health issues because something tells me all of this could be related or intertwined somehow. I don’t have energy during the day because I don’t sleep well. I need to exercise because I know it’ll help, but having no energy to exercise is part of the problem. And I’m sure low energy affects my mental health too. I’m just glad I decided to do something about it. I know it will take time, but I do feel better than I did, so that’s encouraging. 

If you’re reading this and have gone through something similar, and just need to share with someone, feel free to share. Sometimes it’s helps talking to a friend or family member, and some things are better talking to a complete stranger. I know it’s hard to acknowledge a problem and confront it, but you have to. There are resources out there too, professionals that can help. For me, I decided to talk to my doctor. If you’re going through something, I hope you take the steps you need to get better.