Breastfeeding In Public. You Don’t Like It? Then Keep Moving.

I couldn’t tell you how much breastfeeding is discussed across the country, mainly because I don’t Google search “breastfeeding.” I may feel somewhat comfortable discussing it, but not Googling it. But I swear I come across a ridiculous story every month or so with someone’s experience. And it’s painfully clear negative feelings exist when it comes to breastfeeding in public, and I can’t wrap my head around it. Three reasons I think it’s coocoo for Cocoa Puffs:

OneHalf the Population: Roughly 7 billion on this planet, which means half of that has breasts. I would sincerely hope most of that faction would be supportive (although I’m under the impression that’s not always the case), or at least silent.

TwoBoobies: The other half, men, are obsessed with breasts, straight men at least. So there would again be hope that this faction would have no problem at all. And for the men who aren’t straight, am I wrong in assuming they could give a shit whether a woman pulled out a boobie? In my time on this earth, I can’t recall any gay men or women disapproving.

ThreeBabies: Who doesn’t like babies? And I don’t mean who wouldn’t WANT babies, because a lot of people don’t want kids. I mean, who has a problem with children existing? No one. Babies are adorable. And everyone started as a baby.

I know this is an oversimplification, but honestly, what is the problem? I remember seeing a video that was so bizarre; this old, white man’s reaction to seeing a woman breastfeeding inside a Target food court area (why does everything seem to happen at Target?). He called it “disgusting.” He used that word. Why? Did that baby do something to him? Did those specific breasts reject him? Was he jealous? I know that last question is silly, but really, is there some underlying hatred involving jealousy? Again, how is it disgusting? He buys milk at the store, does that make him disgusting? Frankly, one could make an argument drinking milk in public that came from a cow is nastier; who knows what was put into the cow that produced the milk itself. But (almost) nobody would say you were disgusting for drinking milk.

I THINK IT’S GROSS THAT YOU THINK IT’S GROSS

Breastfeeding is not a sexual act, not even close. It’s literally eating. And if eating is offensive, I’m quite certain I’ve seen people eating in a way that was WAY more disgusting. And if your argument is breasts shouldn’t be shown in public, then we’ll need to implement a lot more changes in what’s considered inappropriate. Because I’ve seen some nasty ass feet and toes being exposed by sandals and flip flops that have made my stomach turn. So let’s require socks and shoes on everyone. Some people don’t shower or brush their teeth before they go in public, and for some reason before they sit on an airplane for 4+ hours. So let’s require daily showers, and you have to provide proof if confronted regarding your foul funk. Shoot, if you live in a state like Florida, there are a lot of dudes walking around without shirts. And just be honest with yourself, they have way nastier nipples. I don’t want to see that shit.

EYE DON’T KNOW YOU, GO AWAY

We also have these wonderful things called eyes, and your head doesn’t force them to look directly at anything, ever. You can make them look up, or even down. Sideways is a good option, some people are really good at that. Heck, you can even use those face curtains called eyelids.

LET’S BACK UP THOSE WHO NEED TO USE THEIR FRONT

A photographer in Tennessee did a photo shoot called Latched With Love. We need more positive exposure like this. We need more videos of people defending someone being harassed in public. I’ve never seen it in person, but I’d like to think I’d get in someone’s face who dared try to bully a mom of a hungry infant. Part of this photo shoot had the moms hold a white board with a question/comment written they typically hear when breastfeeding in public. These would be my responses:

Can You Go To The Bathroom? Sure, let me expose my child to your literal shit particles while they try to eat. Next time you go to a restaurant, just take your plate into the public bathroom and see how long you last. &%$*ing idiot.

Isn’t He Too Big? Well I suppose he/she is eating pretty well. But by all means, please tell her how big her child should be to do anything? I’m all ears, expert. In fact, she’s in the market for a new pediatrician, and it sounds like you know what you’re talking about, random asshole.

You Should Stop, She Has Teeth. The fact you’re thinking about the safety of her nipples makes me think a call to the police should follow soon after. Stop thinking about her nipples.

Are You Serious? No, this is an elaborate joke just to make you laugh. Apparently it’s not working, but it is humorous to me.

It’s Easier To Give Him a Bottle. No it’s not. You have to wash the bottle, dry the bottle, warm up the milk/formula, make sure it’s not too hot or too cold, because he/she will either burn their mouth or not eat, they’ll also take in more air which causes gas and fussiness. Or, she could whip this titty out and get to work.

You Should Use a Blanket. Sure, let her put something in her child’s mouth and then cover his/her nose so all air is blocked. Yeah, smothering her child makes so much sense.

You’re Still Nursing? You’re still talking? Shoo fly, don’t bother me. For I belong to somebody.

A big Hat Tip to any woman who’s had to deal with this, and kept themselves from murdering an idiot in public. And to women in general, because honestly, what’s next, eating in public? Breathing in public? Exist in public? Hopefully common sense will eventually prevail.

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