Who Made This Kid’s Map?

This is a map of the United States, which tells you the capitals when you place the puzzle piece over the state. Pretty standard stuff. BUT I HAVE SOME GRIEVANCES I NEED TO AIR, AND YOU’RE GONNA HEAR THEM!

1. The most important is a two-parter: first of all, Alabama should have a football, not Ohio. A picture of cotton is bullshit and borderline racist. I know cotton exists, and it has a history, but maybe not on a state in the South for a children’s map. Also, Ohio? The Browns suck. And Ohio State can kick rocks. Nobody thinks of Ohio when they think of football. (Googles where the NFL Hall of Fame is located). Well shit. I still stand by my statement. Ohio would never come to mind when asked about football. (Googles Who Invented Football) A GUY FROM NEW JERSEY. You hear that? Vindication.

2. Apparently I know nothing about Arkansas, because a diamond made no sense to me. Looks like diamond mines exist here. Who knew? My mind obviously goes to college football for pretty much everything, so a pig/hog would have been my choice. What’s sad is I have family there that I’ve known my whole life and are awesome, and I’ve physically been there. One positive of my kids starting school soon is I might actually re-learn many things my mind has neglected to remember over the years.

3. And who has a pig? Iowa. Why-oa? (sorry) I always pictured corn for Iowa, not sure why. I’ve only driven through this state, and it was absolutely boring. And why is corn on Illinois? United States Census has corn at #17 in exports. Hey, look at that, I’m learning more as I go. What is #12? It says “DUMPERS DESIGNED FOR OFF-HIGHWAY USE.” HA!!!!!!!!! Dumpers are dump trucks, but I don’t care what it means, I’ll always remember Illinois for huge dumpers now. That and police corruption.

4. It’s weird Oregon is a fish. I thought it’d be a sign that says “We wish people loved us as much as Washington.” I lived there and did not like it, and obviously I’m still bitter. That place can go straight to hell. Except their waterfalls; they’re really nice.

5. Poor Wyoming. It’s a damn deer. An animal that lives in every freaking state in this country. Why not a human being? Or air? Maybe a McDonald’s logo?

6. And poor Kansas. Wheat? How delightfully boring. Should’ve at least been a basketball. James Naismith went to the University of Kansas shortly after inventing the game, so maybe let’s give them something more fun that damn wheat.

7. When you think of Texas, what do you think of? Out of all available options, they went with boots and roadkill. Maybe there is some justice in this world.

8. I thought Virginia was for lovers, but they went with tobacco. A big win for lung cancer.

9. They chose oranges for Florida, which is much better than their original choices: meth, dumpster fires and alligator farms. Good for them.

10. I think we all know, and are fond of, the saying “girl, you fine as a Georgia peanut.”

11. Be honest. When you think of Nevada, gambling and prostitution would be way ahead of lizards.

12. Wheat is way too exciting when describing Montana. I fell asleep in the middle of writing this sentence.

13. There are 12,000+ lakes in Minnesota. Are there 12,000+ eagles? I didn’t think so. GARBAGE. If anything, it should be a mosquito, not an eagle.

14. They put a cow for Oklahoma. HAHAHAHAHA. That’s the most unique thing that came to mind for Oklahoma. (Although they do have a chain of gas stations with roughly 549 Slurpee options, so I can’t hate too hard.)

15. For outsiders, skiing to describe Utah isn’t bad. But for people there, I’m sure it’d be #1 Mormons, #2 smog, then maybe #3 mountains/skiing. And #4 judgment.

16. Not sure I have anything interesting to say about the northeast. That’s one area I haven’t visited or driven through. It’s somewhat funny it’s just flowers and crustaceans, but maybe that’s dead-on, I don’t know.


Well, that’s all I got. Thank you for reading. If you have something to add about a state, I’d love to hear it. But just note only I’m allowed to talk shit about Alabama and Mississippi (if you’re from there, you can too; we’ve earned it).

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